Family and Friends - The First Responders in Domestic Violence

When does it begin... the uncomfortable exchanges you witness that leave you wondering if something is amiss? You watch as someone you know and love seems to withdraw; they have less and less time to share and even less things to talk with you about. You are aware of how tight-lipped and uncomfortable they are when their partner is in the same room, how much they seem to fear making a mistake. Somehow you realize that normal things are off-limits to discuss. Even laughter between you and your loved one becomes uncomfortable in their partners presence. What are you witnessing, really?

You are observing several symptoms of domestic violence in the making. The withdrawal from family and friends is a classic beginning; everything in the relationship is a secret and sharing with anyone else is forbidden. Your loved one may imagine this is because they are in a 'special' relationship; many do. It is an effective way for an abuser to 'sell' their partner on becoming a willing victim; it is the beginning of the control and manipulation required by the abuser.

By the time you hear the uncomfortable exchanges and the derogatory remarks being made about your loved one, things are well established in the domestic violence pattern. The abuser is certain enough of their control to no longer fear any repercussions and may actually enjoy the public humiliation they are inflicting. You are witnessing someone you care about slipping into a dangerous and destructive prison. You have become, unintentionally, a first responder to domestic violence.

What do you do? Many people choose to talk to other family members and friends, questioning whether they have noticed the changes. Somehow they imagine that they are mistaken; if not, they don't know what to do. Emotionally, we instinctively respond by being angry at the offender. This is your gut response; the correct one as always.

Righteous anger compels us to act; it is here that things get tangled. We are afraid to act, lest we are wrong. Even worse, our loved one may become angry with us. If we do choose to act, what is the proper response? There are many effective responses we can examine. Let's look at some common and very destructive responses that you should avoid at all times.

1. Do nothing; they will figure it out. Don't get involved; it's not your problem.
2. Decide that if you do anything they will stay together and you will be the villain.
3. Accept that they are both adults; there is nothing you can do.
4. How can they be that stupid? Don't they see how this makes them look?
5. You're embarrassed; you hope your friends don't see this.
6. Acknowledge that when they have had enough, they will leave.
7. Conclude that they must like it or they would leave.

These are dangerous assumptions. The last one may be the most dangerous. Understand; no one likes it. They are watching your response to what is happening to them. Mostly, they cannot understand that no one acts for them when they can no longer act on their own. Your loved one does not know how to leave. There are a multitude of emotions that have been twisted into a false reality before a relationship escalates to domestic violence. Your loved one has embraced the last friends they believe they can trust; denial, delusion and the belief that every time is the last time.

You should consider that the victim is no less captured than in any ordinary kidnapping. If they resist your efforts to help them work through to an escape, think Stockholm syndrome. They protect the offender and try to be obedient to ensure their safety from future harm. They sincerely believe there is no safe exit available. Without effective intervention; they are right.

You can talk to them; be blunt. Tell them what you are witnessing and that you are compelled to intervene unless drastic changes occur. It is inappropriate to pretend anything is other than it really is. You are compelled to act.

You can attempt to get your loved one into counseling through the local Domestic Violence Shelters. They may be too full to assist but can offer guidance to other assistance. Don't give up.

You can devise an effective escape plan with them if they are willing to acknowledge the violence and will follow the plan. Distance and secrecy is the best hope of an effective plan.

You can confront the offender; be careful. This should happen in the presence of your loved one so there is to opportunity for them to assume they ran to you and 'told their secrets.' Make it patently clear that you will act to protect the victim, including notifying the authorities. Once you do this, you must follow through.

Whatever your decision; realize you are a first responder and act accordingly. Do something.