Getting Through What You Can't Get Over

Endings rarely arrive on the same sunbeam as dreams; the kind we imagine have passed through the darkness, filtered through the clouds, mingled with starlight, and found its way to our heart on the path of a sunbeam. It's magic! Sometimes endings are brutal; suddenly life changes on a dime and all that magic becomes a gut wrenching pain that will never go away. We know with a sickening surety we will never get over this loss. The only option is getting through it

Deeply painful losses seem to rip a part of our heart out; no anesthesia, no counseling, just pure pain that feels like a part of our world has ended. It comes from a phone call that says a loved one is gone, a letter or email that says it's over, the kind that makes us sure we never really mattered, the abrupt ending of a friendship we thought was forever or a betrayal that defies explanation. Something important has ended in our lives. The pain is all-consuming, taking on a life of its own with a heartbeat we can literally hear.

You can seek counseling, join grief recovery groups and examine a host of other options that may all be helpful; they are seeking recovery with you. How then do you deal with the fact that you simply will never get over what has happened? That there is no real recovery?

Acceptance; when the friends have gone home, you have completed the group participation or counseling and still, the pain is as real as the first day it is time to accept that you will not ever get over what has happened. But you can get through it.

You may notice that the sky seems cloudy more than normal; things look overcast most of the time. Look around you; see if this seems true to you. The sun breaks through the clouds when you acknowledge that it is so, and that it is caused by your own pain. Oddly enough, when you acknowledge the cause, the cure begins. You give permission for your subconscious mind to see the sun breaking through the clouds.

Let go; if you have lost someone who once felt like your whole world, you may be reluctant to let go. If they have died you may feel guilty about letting go. Strangely, we believe that so long as we feel the pain as sharply as the first day we remain loyal to the person, embracing the pain as proof. Yet holding on causes the pain; let go of the idea that you must hold on. The loss is not going away but getting through this loss means letting go of the idea that you must embrace the pain.

Release the guilt; this means you no longer need to live your life looking through the rear view mirror. The big things in our life are mostly out of our control. You are not responsible; something or someone has changed. It is a part of life. Imagine this event as a journey you have embarked upon; one where you are the driver. The window in the vehicle that has the most expansive view is the windshield. That's important. It demands that your attention be focused primarily on what lies ahead in the journey. The side windows reflect the scenery on the journey and provide the opportunity to observe what is along the path. The smallest point of vision is the rear view mirror, allowing you to look behind you to make note of what has already passed and how it may impact what is before you. Feeling guilty benefits no one; the only person who feels anything at all is the one who has chosen to embrace feeling guilty. Does it feel good to embrace guilt? If not, let it go. It has no value at all, to anyone.

Create a visual image of the pain; one that encompasses all the events that remain sharply embedded in your mind. Visualize it encased in a bubble of light; then add a ribbon that connects you to the bubble of pain. Now envision a sword that cuts the ribbon in half, swift and sure. Quickly inhale or absorb the ribbon that remains attached to you. Then blow the bubble out of your sight. Quietly and gently back away from the scene, as though you are leaving a room. Close the door when you have left the room. Practice this exercise each time the pain begins to overwhelm you. It works. The pain is deeply embedded as a memory imprint. Replace it with one that allows you to step away from it and close the door.

Wake up each day and count the good things, the blessings that you gained from the person involved in the pain. When images of the things that caused the greatest pain rise up, place them into the bubble and release them. It's OK to let go of the pain, choosing not to hurt is not getting over this, it's getting through it.