The Bully And The Victim - A Perfect Storm

 The bully and the victim; somehow they always find one another, drawn like moths to flames. The bully; the tormentor, oppressor and persecutor watches and waits, belligerent and ready to assail the prey at every opportunity. The victim; the target, the sufferer, the casualty of the brutality of the bully, hoping their tormentor fails to notice their existence lest it all begin again. How do they find one another?

Even in this circumstance, they have something in common. A drug addict can find a dealer among thousands of strangers at an airport; they have a common interest sending unconscious signals to find one another. The bully and the victim exist in a similar energy field while they appear to be complete opposites. Bullies rarely make a mistake about choosing a victim; they're not looking for consequences. They recognize who will not tolerate their abuse and ignore them.

The most important trait they share is a low or nonexistent sense of self-worth. Bullies assume an aggressive position as their method of self-protection. They quash their sense of powerlessness by successfully beating or berating their victim into submission. The victim assumes a passive role, electing not to defend their position but rather to become obscure and blend in with their surroundings. For the victim, this equates less pain. This withdrawal is the signal the bully is seeking to find a prey.

Both are a learned response to events that have been a part of their life. They may have parents or siblings who have played similar roles, leaving them with a dysfunctional view of normal or may have been victims of bullying early in their childhood. Whatever the cause; the roles are in place before the abuse begins. This is not really new information. What may be useful is taking a closer look at how we can prevent our children from becoming bullies or victims; a role that typically continues into adulthood.

If a parent is in an abusive relationship it is easy to see how these events translate into children who will choose one of these roles. Parents rarely imagine that their child can become a victim of bullying or become a bully based on seeing violence in the home. It is far easier to imagine that the child who witnesses this behavior would choose to never allow it to become of part of who they are. Statistics prove this is an erroneous assumption; abuse is generational. What those numbers don't reflect is how this kind of behavior in the home affects a child's sense of self-worth.

Instilling a healthy sense of self-worth begins early in childhood. By the age of five, the psychopath's personality is firmly in place; the victim has learned to be passive and a peace maker. Teaching very young children discipline with consequences, respect for themselves and others, respect for possessions, both theirs and others; and to set and respect boundaries may be the best insurance you can provide your child to avoid becoming a victim or a bully. All of these attributes are necessary to build a healthy sense of self-worth.

We teach people how to treat us; we teach our children how to expect to be treated. Society is full of both predators and victims. When a child enters any social environment, from pre-school to church to kindergarten, they will encounter others who have learned how to navigate through life. Their instructions may have been flawed; however, they know their role.

A bully seeks a willing victim. When one is located, the perfect storm erupts into abuse that can destroy the last vestige of hope in a child. Building a healthy sense of self-worth in your child could very well remove them from the eye of the tiger of the bully; or from being one.