Letting Them Off The Hook

 Do your relationships resemble a stormy weather forecast? The chief cause of this is an expectation of behavior that is beyond what another person performs on. The reasons range from the simple things like picking up socks to the most emotional like not spending enough time together, being excluded from important choices or simply feeling left out and unloved. All of these are about behavior that was expected but not lived up to. People are on the hook for failing to deliver.

Who is at fault; the one with high expectations or the one who does not live up to them? This is the great debate that occurs in marriage and group counseling. There is a deficit her and it must be assigned to a column, yours or theirs. The great debate continues as we make our case and demand things change. Many times, they never do, and never will.

In our effort to understand the behavior of a loved one or friend we list all the reasons we are right and they are wrong. The person making the list rarely understands why there is a debate. They are right. When it is presented to the offender as 'evidence' the response is never satisfying. The most typical response is simply, 'I don't know.' 'I don't understand' is more accurate. Both are frustrating. Does this mean they simply don't care enough to change their behavior?

If you carefully consider the facts and determine that there really is a lack of emotional commitment the solution is easy and obvious; walk away. That is not usually the cause, thankfully. The person who responds by saying they don't know may really not know. They don't have a good understanding of the reason either. They also don't understand why things that seem trivial to them are important to you. You can ponder this, quarrel about it and maybe even survive a succession of separations in your quest to make them a better person. If you are seeking applause for your efforts it is likely to be an exercise in futility as is every effort that depends on other people's approval.

You can settle this in a different way by choosing to understand that what you are getting is as much as they are capable of giving. People are not all the same. Life experiences and exposure to events lend a great deal to our perception of life normal, including in relationships. For them what they give is sufficient, for you it will always be deficient. You can end this battle easily by simply accepting that they are incapable of delivering more and let them off the hook for the expected behavior that is not a part of whom they really are.

For real peace of mind make a list of every person who leaves you angry and feeling letdown and let them all off the hook. The only thing that changes is your level of expectations; peace of mind is the payoff!